Again the question comes up of what do I want to do and why exactly am I scared to do it? First thought, I am not scared of anything because I can do whatever I want to do. I can just see myself stomping my foot as I say that. The truth though, is that I am terrified. If I were not, surely I would have done it by now.
Another truth be told, I have been petrified my entire life. I have been so afraid to step out of what I know because every time I have, someone or something has beaten me back into my comfort zone and I have let them. I have given them permission because ultimately people are horrible. They are hurtful and nasty and judgemental and it is much safer for me to seal myself off at home. At least here my books do not taunt me and the TV shows are kind. The bad guys get their just deserves and the heroes win the day. Yes, definitely safer.
But it is so lonely living here on my own and not having anyone to share my hopes and dreams with. I have none but my own thoughts rolling around and around in my head. Sometimes they are not very good thoughts. My saving grace; Angela or perhaps I should call her Angel because that is what she has meant to me. One foot in front of the other I begin to step out of the shadows and into the light. Angela holding my hand as I begin to climb out of the hole I have dug for myself.
Sometimes there is this very loud noise and I watch as I retreat like a turtle into my shell. Again telling my story, keeping it alive, making it real with every word I utter. And then one day, as if out of the blue I begin to see how my story is keeping me trapped in my rabbit hole. I begin telling a new one. The Kinesiology sessions with Angela and then studying Kinesiology for myself have given me the tools to shift my energetic blocks that have unconsciously held me back all these years. They have served their purpose because they have moulded and shaped who I am as a woman today. The people I have encountered through school; my classmates, teachers and ministers. The ones who I have worked with; colleagues, bosses and clients. My family, friends, lovers and all other encounters have had their individual roles in holding up the mirrors so that I may have the opportunity to look at the deepest, darkest and scariest parts of myself. To heal them, to grow from them and to bring them into the light so that I can see they are not to be feared but to be loved, embraced and cherished. In return I will be a much stronger, braver and more loving woman who can provide the space for others to navigate their darkness.
What am I so scared to do? I am terrified of putting my writing out into the world for fear that it may be crushed, judged and criticised. That I will be crushed, judged and criticised or worse yet, no one will like my writing or me?
I am petrified of guiding others towards wholeness for fear that I may fail, nothing will change for them in their lives or worse yet, they will tell everyone they know how terrible I am as a coach and no one will want to hire me.
I am panic-stricken about opening up to client the channelled messages that come through, petrified that I will be burned at the stake, crucified for being evil or have my tongue removed for heresy.
I begin laughing at myself and what I am writing, we live in the 21st century for heavens sake ad the feeling of pure unconditional love that flows through my body tells me that what I am dong is the right thing for right now. The joy my clients experience knowing they are so loved and how this shifts the course of their lives is validation enough for me.